Yesterday I had an appointment at the dermatologist. I have a mole on my foot that I want to get checked and for the past week of waiting I've half assumed I have cancer. Because, anxiety. I was looking forward to this appointment and having someone tell me that I either have nothing to worry about - maybe with a slight "you're crazy" subtext - OR that it's a good thing I came in and they'll help take care of me. At my appointment, I got neither.
I located this dermatologist through my insurance website. I found someone who won a couple of awards and was located at a pleasant halfway point between my house and the sitters (read: my incredibly gracious mother in law). Content with these details, I called and booked an appointment. Awesome so far.
Then I got to the office. And it just felt...off. Now, there are a lot of reasons something can feel "off." Insecurity, for one. Fresh out of home school, I was picked on quite a bit during Junior High. This, combined with a lifetime of struggling with my weight has left me feeling insecure around beautiful women who preen, and the waiting room was full of bottle blonds in thick makeup and designer clothes. There's nothing wrong with any of those choices, but in combination they remind me of middle school mean girls.
Things can also feel off when reality doesn't match up with expectations. On the clinic letterhead was "spa MD." The waiting room looked set up for a design consult, complete with purple velvet tufted chairs in nooks splashed with advertisements for latisse and other high-end beauty products. The waivers I signed included information about their collections agency. It didn't add up to the "you might have cancer" professional medical environment I anticipated.
Things can also feel off when there's baggage. My surroundings made me want to learn more and a quick google search revealed the doctor I was seeing was censured by the state - for shady dealings with plastic surgery - and his medical license restricted. Good thing I wasn't there for plastic surgery? We all have our history, and moments when we've made a mistake, but it didn't feel good learn about the fallibility of my next doctor.
Things felt off, but that didn't mean it was wrong. I evaluated and dismissed my own insecurities, acknowledged that not all of dermatology is for medically advised reasons, and even considered that this doctor was censured but he did keep his license. I wasn't there for plastic surgery, but for a mole. Despite this train of logic, I still felt unsettled in my spirit. Beyond my self-doubt and worry, the small voice in my head, the friendly cricket on my shoulder and my gut instinct were telling me, "This place is not for you."
This sense was something I couldn't rationalize away or quiet. I decided I could either separate myself from my instincts - and from the potential of hearing the Holy Spirit - and stay at the appointment, or I could leave with my heart still connected to my head. I called my mom to quickly talk things through with her (I won't ever outgrow my mom), cancelled my appointment, and left.
I wish I knew what was going on with this mole. I feel anxious to learn if it's nothing or everything and have since rescheduled with a new doctor at a different clinic. I'm still waiting. But I have zero regrets about leaving. Yes, I can be self-conscious and worry needlessly. Yes, there are times to ignore fears and blaze a trail. But there are also times to pause and pay attention to gut level impulse that transcends reason, logic, and emotion. I would rather heed times when "I had a feeling" and make a mistake than lose my sense of instinct. Even more, I don't want to lose the opportunity for God to alert me to something in my surroundings I can't fully perceive on my own. I would rather lose my dermatology appointment than lose my internal compass. I feel like that's the end game of divorcing my head from my heart and my gut.
Are there times when you've made a decision that evades logic, because you "had a feeling?"
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