I was in tears by 8:00 AM. Lack of sleep, determined disobedience from my daughter and my mom’s hospitalization combined to make me feel the day might as well be over. I wanted a different life, or at least a different day. If only I had easy access to child care like my friend, then I could visit my mom during the day. If my daughter would just demonstrate obedience like my friend’s son, then I wouldn’t feel so desperate. And if I could just sleep through the night like seemingly EVERYONE else, without waking up five times to take care of the kids, then I might have a healthier perspective on all of this. I found self-justifying reverie in my wishes, my comparing, but was left feeling worse in the end.
If contentment is about wanting what I have, envy is the opposite. In times of struggle it's tempting to envy someone else's blessings, to long for the graces of their life. I sometimes look at the people around me and think "Man, if I had what she has..." If had her intelligence, her resources, her fitness, her energy, her relationships, THEN I would be able to get "x" done. THEN I could be braver. THEN this would be easy. But this mode of comparative, escapist thinking is a deceptive trap. Contentment doesn’t come from wanting what other people have; it comes from wanting what I have.
Sure, there are times when wanting what someone else has can be positive. Sometimes we look at people around us and our desire to be more like them causes us to take action and bring about positive change in our own life. However, while admiration can inspire us to grow and develop, self-improvement birthed in envy leads to dissatisfied striving. In trying to rectify a perceived inferiority we end up blindly chasing someone else’s best, not our own.
Envious comparison also tricks us into believing the grass is greener on the other side, often negating other people’s journeys. When we desire the ease someone experiences in one facet of their lives, we tend to ignore the choices they've made and the prices they've paid to get those results. Comparison minimizes God’s work in their lives and in our own. It also ignores the challenges someone faces in different parts of their lives. Taken altogether, we have a warped snapshot of someone else’s life that breeds resentment, not perspective that births compassion.
Perhaps the worst side effect of wishing for someone else’s blessings is being blinded to our own blessings. When I'm longing for the resources someone else has, I forget how every need my family has is surpassingly supplied - often through my husband demonstrating love through hard work. When I want the glittery social life of that girl on social media, I forget about the amazing relationship I have with my extended family and the deep, reliable love I find there. And when I wish for the ease of an imaginary life (maybe one where my children sleep through the night and are perfectly behaved?), I miss the real-life children God gave me to raise, with their unique personalities, adoring smiles, and daily progress. I don’t want to miss the good things God gives me because I’m trying to live someone else’s blessings.
When envious comparison blinds us, I believe the best remedy is to gratefully take notice of our own lives. When we pay attention to the grace we're given instead of the challenges we endure, we might just be surprised. I told you when I started that it was a bad morning. I felt like everything was falling apart, and so I made a list of all the things that weren't - all of my particular and peculiar graces. It helped me calm down and move on with the morning. Four hours later and during the course of writing this - the old fashioned way: a first draft with pen and paper - my daughter asked why I was making a list. (As an aside, even my three year old knows I love a good list. I make lists so regularly that in her mind everything I write must be a list.) I told her I was writing about things that make me feel grateful. Her response? "I want to make a list of things that make me grateful, too. I want to draw a picture of things that make me grateful." Now she's sitting on my lap, drawing trees, socks, our house, her daddy and me. In this vignette lie countless graces given, each one a blessing waiting to be unwrapped and received like a gift.
I encourage you to take notice of your life, your joys, your experiences, without comparing to someone else's. Only then can you unwrap the unique blessing God has for YOU.
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